Dearest blog reader,
I must warn you of the words you’re about to read. These words container mild spoilers of the recently released Ocean’s 8, but above all, the words that fill the rest of this page are dripping with Sapphic nerdiness.
That’s right. Dripping.
Let me be clear, this is not a review of Ocean’s 8. If you want that, I suggest you go to Entertainment Weekly or a similar source1. What I decided to create was a piece that analyzed the different facets of the eight main characters to determine which one should wear the tiara of Queen Baddass.
I realized immediately I had a problem with objectivity. I think Kaling is hilarious, Blanchett is a goddess, Paulson could be acting as Blanchett (she’s that good), and Bullock and Hathaway should invite me to their sleepover. Anyway, I realized to make the list fair needed to take a drastic measure. I needed to make a formula.
That’s right. Math2.
The variables of badassery
After tossing and turning in my sleep and a montage of me at a white board drawing schematics and stick figures with breasts, I decided on four variables, each assigned a score of 1-10 (10 the best): intelligence (A), personality (B), ambition (C), and sex appeal (F).
Shouldn’t sex appeal be D?
No, it’s F. This is my list and sex is assigned an F for an utterly mysterious reason. If you don’t like it, make your own list!
It should also be noted that I initially incorporated screen time; however, I realized that I could assess badassery without that information. Much simpler.
Okay, so the final formula is:
The Results...
8. Constance (Awkwafina) = 5+5+7+6 = 23 points
She’s very skilled and crafty, but overall not an impressive character. I would like to see the sequel (there has to be a sequel) include more of her personality. I don’t really feel like I know Constance. Other than, you know, she’s good at sleight of hand, likes Subway, and does cool skateboard moves.
7. Amita (Mindy Kaling) = 6+7+4+7= 24 points
I wanted Amita to be so much higher because I love Kaling3 so much, but I couldn’t change the raw data. I couldn’t! But like Constance, Amita was very skilled at her craft and good at improvising, but what I know about her character isn’t terribly interesting. And what she did with her share made me think, “Really?”
6. Tammy (Sarah Paulson) = 7+5+8+6 = 26 points
Playing “the fence” automatically means there won’t be a lot of attention drawn to the character, but it was interesting to see Tammy’s personality come through such a mundane role in the heist. Allow me to explain. Her role was to be seen, to work both sides, but keep them separated from one another. It was almost like she was…a fence. Hmmm.
5. Rose (Helena Bonham Carter) = 5+9+7+6 = 27 points
I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this character. Down on her luck, non-fashionable fashion designer turned essential character. Plus, she had a known vulnerability. A real stake in the game. And while we are accustomed to seeing HBC play the quirky, weirdo, this character was not over the top. She was just odd enough. Let’s get that lady her passport!
4. Nine Ball (Rihanna) = 9+6+9+6 = 30 points
Street smart and book smart, Nine Ball or “Ball”, impressed me on more than one occasion. She’s a hacker, but unlike the way most hackers are portrayed, she had to be perceptive of others to maximize the potential of the group. Because of that, Nine Ball reminded me of a favorite movie of mine, Sneakers (1992). Ball also gained points for sticking to her guns (okay, her weed) around alpha-Debbie and what she did with her cut. I love a good billiards hall!
3. Daphne (Anne Hathaway) = 6+7+10+9 = 32 points
Okay, in my mind there are three Daphnes: demanding celebrity, princess, and master manipulator. If her character wasn’t so clichéd at the beginning, we could be talking about the #2 spot, but she was (and mean to her assistant) so she lost personality points. Having said that, everything is uphill from there. Anne Hathaway did an excellent job sculpting this character through the different phases to create an actual arch, something that not many others (if any) had. She has friends now!
2. Debbie (Sandra Bullock) = 10+7+8+8 = 33 points
Debbie’s the mastermind, looks damn good in a tux unbuttoned at the top, and feeds Lou (Cate Blanchett) in the sexiest way you could possibly feed someone diner food. So, you might wonder why she’s not numero uno. Here it is: Debbie was dumb to sign the document that landed her in prison. You may think she paid for her lapse in judgment by serving time, but not me. It was dumb and she’s docked a point because of it.
I don’t like to dwell on the negative, so I’ll end on a high note. Debbie’s method of distracting security at the gala by ranting in German was very entertaining. Shoes in the freezer. Classic Debbie.
1. Lou (Cate Blanchett) = 8+9+8+9 = 34 points
Where to start on how badass Lou was? A question like this keeps me up at night.
She’s not the mastermind, but she is Debbie’s right-hand woman (giggle) and knows how to find the others needed for the job. Lou also isn’t afraid to call Debbie out on questionable decisions or live her Route 1 motorcycle fantasy. She even demonstrates kindness when she makes a gyro for that random guy. (I know she made it!) And let us not forget the yummy looks she shares with Debbie. I hope the subtext between their characters evolves into text for the sequel, because, again, there will be a sequel.
As a final note, her wardrobe! The jackets! The sequin pantsuit?! OMG!!! She made me want a sequin pantsuit. I have never wanted such a thing in my entire life. I have to have one!
Let’s talk Ocean’s 9
As of my typing, Ocean’s 8 brought in $41.6 million over the weekend. This, and the fact that Hollywood loves sequels, means there will be another all lady heist fest. So, Hollywood casting people, please consider the following actresses for Ocean’s 9: Gillian Anderson, Lucy Liu, Lupita Nyong’o, Angela Bassett…okay, any woman from Black Panther or Orange is the New Black (except Taylor Schilling), Sigourney Weaver, Tia Carrere, Tatiana Maslany, Octavia Spencer, Krysten Ritter, Floriana Lima, and…why the hell not…Amy Schumer.
Footnotes
- Stay the hell away from Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb. Like most social media, it’s full of misogynist trolls who walked into the theater prepared to hate the film.
- Disclaimer: I am not a mathematician. I took Calculus in college, earned my B, and got the hell out.
- Check out some of Kaling’s most recent hilarity, her address at Dartmouth’s 2018 commencement